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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive