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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.