You Might Also Like
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The booster protects against what, now?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.