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Me sliding into hell like
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment