@debramontroy
@StrangerTings5 I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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@StrangerTings5 
@dreamthievin Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
@AnitaHelmet I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
@SteveSuckington If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
@DurtMcHurtt Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
@fozzie4prez I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
@batkaren Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
@perlhack dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
@NikiWithIssues Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
@bodybycheezits Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.