You Might Also Like

@thatcarlygirl

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

@batkaren

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@mommajessiec

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

@DurtMcHurtt

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@truegritrumble

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

@causticbob

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

@Ndeshi_M

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!