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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Breaking news:
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Siri, fight Alexa.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.