@LloBrow
@thatcarlygirl Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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@thatcarlygirl 
@batkaren HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
@MoneypennyNaked Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
@sixfootcandy [blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
@mommajessiec Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
@DurtMcHurtt My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
@Fred_Delicious Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
@truegritrumble (Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
@causticbob A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
@Ndeshi_M Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!