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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?