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Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The best shot in the history of golf
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*