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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”