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@JoParkerBear

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

@JoParkerBear

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@GirlsNoteBook

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.