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Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
This was a bad idea all around
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Bloody internet 😳
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.