@RespectfulMemes
@TheAlexNevil [first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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@TheAlexNevil 
@AnneHatfieldVO How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
@Cheeseboy22 Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
@ElenaChainHelp1 Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
@EndhooS I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
@Cpin42 My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
@capnwatsisname Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
@TheToddWilliams [archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
@dshack8 6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
@online_shawn I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow