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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first