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[first day as astronaut]


Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no


How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.


Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.


Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.


I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.


My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.


Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.


[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot


6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?


I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow