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@TheAlexNevil

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

@AnneHatfieldVO

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

@ElenaChainHelp1

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

@EndhooS

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@capnwatsisname

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

@TheToddWilliams

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

@online_shawn

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow