37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Ah yes. The three genders
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?