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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?