You Might Also Like
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Monday
I never needed anything more in my life
The options really are this bad
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed