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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
All is fair in drunk and war.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”