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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip