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*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
that lip filler tho
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: