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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.