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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Ron is short for Aaronald
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?