[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.