3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Van Gone
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Flowers bee like
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.