3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
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DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
the answer was staring at me all along
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”