*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime