[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Very good news from my accountant
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.