[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.