[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”