[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
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Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is