3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.