3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
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* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
rapatouille
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*