3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
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GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
58.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.