3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
When you kidnap a writer.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.