3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’ll be mad as hell!
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.