3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You Might Also Like
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
We’ve come full circle
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
How actors in movies eat their food
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
The Assassin.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.