3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
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Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean