3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Never forget.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
every college guy’s fridge
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe