3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
girls literally only want one thing..
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-