3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!