Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Not all heroes wear capes….

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm