3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
In space, no one can hear…
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
This fish is cracking me up