3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Thinking about Jeff
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
WHO DID THIS?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.