3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
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haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October