3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
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Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Holy shit he’s back
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
same vibe as tangled headphones
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel