$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING