4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Smile Twitter, Smile.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”