4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.