4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
an octopus is just a wet spider
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
That’s no pocket rocket.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.