4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
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Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
dictator is short for richard potato
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?