4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.