4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
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Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’m going to need a moment here.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.