4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Welcome to the stomach
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”